More Crap

I am tired of writing all about my life.  After high school, my life did go on.  I went to college, got a great job, lost my job, fell in love a few times, broke their hearts, had my heart broken, drank like a fish and smoked like a chimney.  At some point I thought that I wanted to live.  However, i am not worthy of happiness or life.  

My last love was with a married woman.  Talk about your dead end road.  I broke up with her in hopes that she would love me enough to divorce her husband… oh my god, yes I did actually believe that stupid retarted bullshit.  Yes I believed that she didn’t live with her husband.  I believed that she wanted to be with me.  That HER talk of marriage was the truth.  I believed to my core that something great would happen.  How could I not believe when she paid for me to fly to florida to spend a week with her.  She foot the bill for her two trips to Michigan to be with me, and once on my birthday.  How could I not believe.  In this day and age, email cost nothing but even better than that and sooo unlike my time with Angela, Sara and I could talk all friggin night long and not pay a dime for it.  That’s what we did.  That’s how my relationship with Sara lasted for over a year.  After a year, though, I wanted her and I to be together all the time.  The distance sucked.  My self-respect was at odds with her being married, still, after all the promises of the future.

You can see that the passion in which I speak of Sara is really the core of my self-pity.  I broke up with her because I could no longer trust the situation between her and I.  She was very jealous when I spoke of another woman, or mentioned another woman.  She would get so hostile about it that it was simply irrational, yet, I was suppose to trust her, despite being married.

So what now?  I’m still not working. I no longer have a girlfriend.  One of my old friends has been trying to get me to hang out or at least talk to him but I’m so deep in my own misery that I would just rather be alone.  I know what I would do if I did hang out with them and that is talk about me all night.  Me and my problems.  I would like to save everyone the time and my voice from such egostistical behavior.  I no longer know what it is like to have fun.  I do not believe I am worthy of smiling or of happiness.  I don’t say that shit without meaning either.  I’m not seeking pity.  Where in the story of my life did I receive any pity?  Why seek it now?

If you read my story and understand the paradox of me, then you know that my love for my friends is sincere and true but I am ignorant and numb to it.

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~ by aeroslin on November 20, 2006.

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