I have done a very good job at destroying my life.  The only thing that has prevented me from the premature removal of myself from this life is the fear of consequences upon dying.  I could say that I no longer care but that’s the complete opposite of the truth.  I care about so many things and with so much passion that I have constantly been overwhelmed by the sheer force of emotions that swirl around inside me.  My only defense against it all is to turn myself off to everything.

So here is my story about Sara, the one person I have met in my life that understood me and loved me and was always willing to work with me.  Sara, the one who’s relationship with I destroyed but found I could never change.  I met her in EQ2 and my initialy attraction was her voice, when we met on the Teamspeak server our guild leader was hosting.  She is latin, an artful combination of Southern and Central American heritage, unique above all other woman I had ever met.  Now, I say attraction but it was in the sense of wanting to get to know her because she had such an exotic voice.  My friendship was genuine as was her’s to me.  We found ourselves talking quite often and hanging out with each other long after everyone else had left.  I had a feeling what was happening but I was content with just not feeling anything.  Stephanie was my last relationship and I crashed and burned that one terribly so I was content with letting my friendship with Sara stay where it was.  However, that was not to happen.  During the course of the first couple weeks of our building friendship, I started spending a lot of time with her, helping her out in the game, giving her my time instead of my other in-game friends.  They saw it for what it was, chasing after a woman.  There was another girl that was in our guild, Lauren, and her and I had a friendship as well but there were plenty of reasons why I didn’t consider her for anything romantic.  Yes, her and I talked often and in secret but it was more often about her getting drunk and spouting off about her boyfriend / ex-boyfriend.  Lauren acted like a child at times and there isnt’ anyone that I hung out with at that time that would deny that.  So, Lauren is important because she was more or less the catalyst that brought Sara and I together.  Lauren was very jealous of Sara and just before Sara and I really started becoming friends, Lauren got drunk one night and started spouting off about how Sara and Eric were probably cybersexing in the guild house.  I felt a little sorry for Lauren because it did appear that Eric was giving her a cold shoulder, Lauren, who had been in the guild longer.  Lauren invited me to her home (in-game) and her and I chatted about he frustrations.  I told her to not worry about what was going on, that she had been in the guild longer and so shouldn’t feel threatened by Sara at all.  I then convinced her to go up to the Guild Hall and hangout with Eric and Sara, so we did.  That was the last time I really talked with Lauren.  After that incident, Sara got into Teamspeak and my relationship with her started.  So now, Lauren saw what was happening with me and Sara and was once against jealous.  She managed to manipulate the minds of the guys that I had been friends with to paint a picture of me betraying her friendship because I was building a relationship with Sara.  Finally, this all culminated into a couple of snide private messages to me one night while Sara and I were together.  I responded as neutrally as I could, then told Sara about it and then I found myself in the middle of two woman bitching about me.  Sara’s thoughts right from the start was that I was playing the field between the two or playing them against each other deliberately.  This couldn’t be furthest from the truth.  My friendship with Sara was genuine and my friendship with Lauren was not the same.  It equates to brother and sister verses man and woman.  That’s how I pictured it and it is why I threw my hands up in frustration to both of them for being so dumb.  I wanted my friendship with Sara but this was a huge scratch on it and I wanted to resolve the problem with Sara.  I didn’t care enough about Lauren but to tell her that she was being childish and that I am sorry she assumed my friendship was more than it was.  Sara was so pissed off that she refused to talk to me, me being a pitiful wretch that I am, tried to give her stuff, talk to her, everything I could to convince her that all my attention was on her.  Finally I managed to do so and began to resume our friendship.  Now, I won’t say love because I refused to acknowledge love.  As the days went by and the hours went by that we were together (which was every single moment possible)  she started making insinuations that I was in love with her.  I refused to answer her statements and looked inside me to make sure that my walls against love were still in place.  I tried to remain ambiguous but nothing could change the fact that my every moment was of me thinking about her.  I continuously tried to convince myself that if she suddenly stopped playing the game, I would go on and not be hurt.  I think I could have done it then.

One day, however, like a balloon filled with too much air, my heart burst as did hers.  As we both tried to come to grips with what had happened between us one sinister card was about to be played.  Like a hot knife slicing through butter, my heart was sliced in half, cleanly.  She was married.  It was far too late for me to be reasonable and logical about where my relationship should have gone at that moment.  I didn’t care.  I listened to her story, the one I should have been told at the beginning.  I wanted to believe that something good could come of it, I prayed for it.  At the same time my other half said that nothing at all good could come of this relationship.  I inserted justification when needed.  She’s been separated from her husband for over 2 years.  She loved her husband dearly but not in the way that a wife should.  I asked her about divorce but she wouldn’t say anything, only that it’s a complicated thing and something that she was going to have to deal with in her own time.  But she loved me dearly and more than once told me of her dreams of her and I together, married.  I couldn’t handle it though I tried.  I wanted to believe her but I could not.  Yet my emotions and my desires were so strong that there was nothing I could do but let momentum take me.  As I said, I inserted enough justification to hide my severed heart and for a while, everything was as I thought it should be.  The relationship developed more and more, then hurricane wilma inserted the first nail in the coffin of the already dying relationship.  She didn’t live with her husband but in her own home.  Husband lived in his own place doing his own thing, until Wilma destroyed his home.  Sara allowed him to move into her house.  She preached up and down that he didn’t sleep with her, she had designated his own area to stay and he stayed there.  The rest of the house was hers.  How am I supposed to handle this?  Please someone tell me how I am supposed to take this?  What goddam right did I have to be jealous at all?  NONE!  That’s her goddam husband, I am her goddam whore.  That’s the emotion that broke through with that first nail.  I was still unable to jump off that ship because my love for Sara was so strong but at the same time it’s momentum was tearing my apart.  When Sara and I met in person for the first time in Detroit, it was beyond surreal.  She saw me first, waiting for her and walked up right in front of me with a huge and beautiful smile on her face, the charge between us was palpable, I could feel my whole body vibrating and
tingling with her so close to me.  I couldn’t stop looking at her and absorbing everything about her.  That meeting occurred about 2 months after we met online.  After our weekend together we talked about the next meeting which was going to occurr about a month and half later.  However, hurricane wilma soundly prevented that, like Katrina nearly prevented the first meeting.  She was supposed to fly up here the weekend after Wilma struck but there was so much destruction and work she had to do to for herself to clean up that there wasn’t any way for her to come up here.  So we postponed it and adopted the saying, “we have our whole lives to be together, our time apart now is brief in comparison.”  We shared that mantra constantly.  So, after all the postponment and the first nail into our relationship, she came up her to spend my birthday with me.  Best birthday I ever had in my life, honestly, unforgetable.  It seemed to make up for everything else that had happened.

Sara and I spoke every day.  At the very beginning, and as an investment to my relationship to her, I bought a cell phone so we could talke long distance without paying for it, like we did on Teamspeak.  As is the case with people and couples who are constantly talking to each other, we would have our differences.  They were usually small moments of explosions, followed by some sulking, then making up and working through the drama.  Yet, every time we had our ‘fights’ I felt that nail digging into my heart.  I became unhappy and explained to her how I felt and why.  I told her that I wanted us to actually be together in person.  To be able to come home from work or have her come home and have us meet and see each other every day.  We talked all the time, for all intents and purposes, I was already living with her, my mind was with her, my heart was with her, I was in Florida, with her and my desire to formally move my body down there was extremely strong, yet there was her husband I had to contend with and her unwillingness to address that part of her life.  I didn’t want to pressure her but at the same time how fair was any of this to me?  I was ready, she was not, though our relationship more than implied that she was.  So a complicated tapestry was made.  Eventually the small problems eroded my heart and I felt it possible to pull away from her.  So after a year and near the anniversary of our first meeting I broke up with Sara.

Sara was at this time one element of my life that was become tangled and twisted.  My desire to play EQ2 was dead, had been dead for a while.  I lost my job, I had been severely depressed for months.  I felt my life falling apart piece by piece.  I adapted the mentality of my relationship with Sara that I was a whore, nothing more than a prostitute for her to come at her calling.  That was the image I painted, that was what I told her, I destroyed her heart with those words.  I destroyed myself with those thoughts.  I went about 2 months without talking to her and at first I found it easy to not even think about her.  I started playing Eve-Online, listening to music, writing music, meeting new people online and enjoying my unemployment checks.  Try as I might, there is no way for me to bury my true feelings for Sara.  I love her more than I love myself.  I know that’s not right but I think most people can understand the weight of those words have.  Slowly, I started interacting with her again, in a more normal way (ie like it had been before but without the sexual comments and lovy dovy)  Very slowly, like a turtle coming out of its shell, flinching at everything.  I have tried to control my appearances to her by not playing very often when I want to see her all the time and spend all my time with her.   It’s not easy.

She asked me why I haven’t wrote anything about her in my blogs and it’s because I failed her and I failed myself.  The relationship we had was very personal to me, very close, a lot of emotions wrapped up between us all surrounded by the thought that I have no right to feel like that because she’s married.  I want her in my life, not superficially as we were in a fantasy game but in real life right here next to me so that I can feel her, smell her, hear her, and absorb her presence into my own as is the right of all relationships.  I love her with all my heart, I do.  A part of me hoped that perhaps she would feel some urgency to address the one thing that prevented us from being 100% together but I believe that the opposite has occured.  I believe that she has found it in herself to love her husband again as a wife should.  To that, I have my regret but I am also happy for her if it brings her the happiness she deserves.  Yet it cannot bury the desire I had to kneel before her and ask for her hand in marriage to myself and at the same time, cannot.

There’s so much more to how I feel about her and I simply don’t believe there is enough text or words in any language to fully illustrate it.  To put the feelings of love into words is impossible.

~ by aeroslin on February 26, 2007.

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