Frustration

Been trying to post something about this topic for the last couple days but I’ve had significant troubles in doing so.  Ironic.

This prose is only about wanting something so bad, seeing it, smelling it, and hearing it but never actually getting it.

It’s about seeing your goal within reach but knowing that circumstances will never permit it happening.

Allowing yourself to believe that the task is do-able but doomed to failure at the same time.  It’s the sadistic need to drive ones-self to failure in the attempt that the 1 in gazillion chance the circumstances will pan out.

It wouldn’t be so bad if you could just turn your head and walk away.  It’s the right thing to do but when the prize finds a way to get in front of you again, that’s where real frustration begins.

What is worse of all, though, is having to wear the coat of someone who doesn’t give a shit about anything because the moment you show your true thoughts and ideas, then the enigma that you have tried to paint yourself to be, comes falling down, leaving the scraps of the person you really are which is … not desired.

*and no, this is not some shallow attempt at ‘coming out of the closet’ so let your thoughts roam but not in that direction.*

It is an expression of thought and emotion.

It is similar to the feelings I had a couple years ago with my relationship with Sara.  All the ingredients were there, the love, the passion, the teamwork, the communication – except for the fact that she was 1800 miles away.  We simply didn’t have the type of access to each other that I felt was needed to keep the relationship together.  It was frustrating knowing that we had everything to make it right, except the locations.

How about spending 3 years in college in order to get an Associates degree that you never actually received because you failed to attend a 1 credit class on how to fill out an application, create a resume, and work in a corporate environment.  I know that frustration as well.

My frustration really erupted the other day when I read this nasty little article bashing 35+ year old men who’ve found other things to do with their lives besides getting married and having kids. It referred to men in this bracket as irresponsible, playboys, fears commitment, and my favorite: sociopaths.  Of course it was a 30 something woman that wrote the article.  Now, I looked up the profile of a sociopath and yeah, I’m definitely NOT one of these.

*i’m not afraid of commitment, i’m afraid of woman.*

Proof: When Sara and I were together my loyalty to her was unshakable.  One night after going to bed, my sister calls me up.  She’s got an old friend with her who really wants to talk to me.  This old friend of hers is an old friend of mine as well.  I had a HUGE crush on her – still do – she wants to hook up with me right now.  I’m like, holyshitwhatthefuckwhynow?  I do my best to put her off. – Next day, she calls again and I have to spell it out for her that I am taken and completely committed to my relationship with Sara.  Frustration.

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~ by aeroslin on October 16, 2008.

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