Bah! Screw Christmas!

Christmas had, at one point in my early stages of life, prior to 13, a mystical and magical effect.  I loved going to bed on Christmas Eve only to wake up to a tree surrounded by presents.  I loved getting together with my grandma and grandpa for a huge family sized dinner with all the aunts and uncles and cousins.  When my parents separated, that magic ended and it ended abruptly.  It didn’t just end abruptly but it became immediately negative.  That’s how I remember it happening.  For 13 years everything was magical, then it all died horribly.  My parents are the cause, especially my mother.

We’re supposed to love our mothers and the part of me that demands that I do, does.  The rest of me has a lot of anger and resentment towards her.

I’ve been irritated with myself lately because when I come home from work and my cat’s food dish is empty, they get all whiny and start meowing at me.  Most of the times I think that’s cute but of late, it’s been irritating.  I start saying things like, ‘fucking pig cats, all you fucking do is eat eat eat…’ and when I say that, I hear my mom saying something like that  as she did to me and my sisters many times.

Christmas was the absolute worst holiday of all the year because my mom felt like she absolutely had to work 3 jobs in order to get us gifts – gifts that I didn’t need or ask for – and then made to feel guilty about it afterwards.  That was my  mom’s tool of choice, guilt.  I have so much fucking guilt inside me that I’m honestly surprised I didn’t blow my head off when I wasn’t smart enough to know better.  Nevertheless, I still feel that self-loathing that my mom programmed into me.  Christmas can suck my cock.  I hate it, it means shit.  It means guilt.  It means listening to your mom cry that she can’t get us all that we want.  It means my mom saying, as she does every fucking year that I can ever fucking remember, “This year isn’t going to be as good a christmas because I just don’t have that much money.”  Every goddam year she would say that, even to this day, I bet MONEY that she’ll say it tomorrow at some point.  The last couple years she has, I’ve jumped on her case about it and told her how much I hated hearing that.

Christmas is supposed to be about getting together with family, eating a good dinner, and enjoying each other’s company.  My mom ruined that for me.

This year, I didn’t go home for the holidays, not thanksgiving, not christmas.  I’m staying down here in Kentucky on my own.  I may get together with some co-workers tomorrow and eat dinner with them.  THAT is what the holidays are about.  I’m done buying people shit for the holidays.  I’m done feeling guilty about it.

Yes, I have a massive amount of anger towards my mother.  My father isn’t exempt from my anger but the feeling that overwhelms the anger I have for my father is disappointment and is another blog entry on its own.

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~ by aeroslin on December 24, 2010.

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