A ramble about relationships and self-preservation

So my cousin got married several years ago. I think back in 2001. I had been through a fairly rough breakup a few months prior and was just pulling myself out of my shell. (I’m sensitive to that kind of shit so it hurts when it doesn’t go well.) I was enjoying myself at the reception party and found myself having an amazing conversation with my cousin’s wife’s cousin. (there’s a mouthful) I can’t remember her name now but we were really getting along well. As the reception ended, I decided it was time to go. I wasn’t into drinking at the time but I’m sure I was high on weed as that is something I did a lot of back in those days. So anyway, she offered me up her phone number and told me to call her. I left. A few days later I called her. No answer. I left a message, left my number. Couple weeks later, I call again. No answer. I think you can see where this is going. She was the last straw for me. I gave up trying to meet anyone.

I mean, how dare I have a goal in life. How dare I try to reach it. Goal: Get married, have kids, buy house, raise kids, grow old, be happy. I had the career thing going on. I had a great future in front of me but I had experience so many failures and so much pain that I decided to just give up on my goal.

It took a long time and a lot of concentrating on only my own life but I got to the point where my mind was fairly resistant to relationships. To me, they were a pipe dream. Then I met Sara. (In the game Everquest2) Even while I was getting interested in her, I managed to keep my feelings in check. I was always kind, always thoughtful, always loyal and willing to help her out. After everyone else went to bed, her and I would stay up chatting on Teamspeak (it’s a group talk application). Eventually, she told me that she was falling for me and that by my own actions, it looked mutual. SHE told me. I didn’t tell her. I sat in my chair very uncertain of what was going on. I didn’t feel how I thought I would if I were actually in love. I was confused and to make matters worse, there was a caveat to the whole thing. She was married. Her relationship with her husband was complicated but they didn’t even live in the same house, or even same side of town. I said, ‘fuck it’ and ran with it. That relationship lasted for over a year. We visited each other three times. I had great sex with her. A very intimate, very personal, very powerful and memorable experience. I broke it off, as I knew I would have to. There was no way that she could be the person to help me reach my own goal. That hurt because in every other way, her and I made a phenomenal team. I didn’t, however, take the break up too badly. I didn’t wallow in my own guilt, I don’t regret my choice like I have previously.

I’ve not been with anyone else since Sara and that was in 2006. A very long and lonely time. My main goal when it comes to relationships is still the same: Self Preservation. I’ve met a few people since then that I’ve found interesting but I’ve not acted on those feelings – mainly because they are feelings and I can’t trust them.

~ by aeroslin on June 12, 2012.

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