What’s my problem?

One of the biggest flaws that I have discovered with myself and my mind is how my positive self-confidence has combined with my negative self-esteem. It has wrapped itself up in my overwhelming sense of passion to provide me a sense of contrary feelings. Love and hate, happiness and sadness, joy and pain.

What happens is that I obsess over something that I really want, usually this is in the form of relationships but it does happen with other things such as traveling somewhere on a whim. I get so focused on it, my self-confidence tells me that I can achieve the goal, my logical mind tells me how I can make it happen. I convince myself that I am going to do it and then I don’t do it. I actually make an effort to prevent it from happening. I convince myself that performing no action is better than doing something that could be successful. Success would change something about my life, unpredictably. It doesn’t just terrify me, the thought is annoying to me.

Perfect example was the Worldfest event they had going on downtown this last weekend. I said I was going to it, I planned on going to it. I imagined it would be fun and enlightening, I prepared for it and then I didn’t do it. Contrast that with how I said I was going to do the 5k walk, which I actually did. I did that because I would have been far more disappointed in myself had I not done it than I could bear.

So what’s going on with me? Why do I purposefully sabotage my own desires and dreams?

I have the answer, it’s pitiful but it is the only answer: I deserve it. That is what I was taught. My parents did this to me. Yes, I’ve made the choices to become this person but I never would have been led down this path had it not been for them.


~ by aeroslin on September 4, 2012.

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