Feeling Sad

I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve been depressed for the last month, if not longer. I recognize what my ‘turtle shell’ is made of. It’s not a fear of going out on the weekend. It is an attitude that causes me to come off cold. I purposefully act uninterested and aloof to those that I actually do care about. It generally takes 2 things to get me to loosen up: alcohol and a solid state of mind. Unfortunately, after I do go and cut loose, I feel terribly guilty, terribly stupid, and terribly embarrassed the next day. I fret over every little thing I said, every little look I made, every smile, every touch until it drives me to convince myself that I made a fool of myself the night before and I should just stay home from now on. This is a constant battle for me and it is wearing me out. I sleep all the time because I’m just fucking depressed with the one aspect of my life that I just can’t seem to scale the ladder of. I pretend to not care so much that my actual feelings are just about to rip my heart open. I get tears in the corners of my eyes all the time because I feel so sad.

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~ by aeroslin on November 23, 2012.

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