My Problems

I’ve been on a buying spree lately. New car, new glasses, new contacts, all these things that change the way that I look or at the very least, perceive myself. I am still haunted, however, by my one phobia. I have met a lot of nice looking and interesting ladies in the last couple years. What happens is we meet, get along great, have solid conversations but then I hit a brick wall. I know there’s a step to climb up but I refuse to step onto it. The conversation grows stale, interest wanes, that’s it, chance of taking things up a notch, dies. It leaves me looking cold and uninterested.

Cold and uninterested are my shields. They protect me from doing, saying, acting, a fool. They protect me from rejection AND from success. I know who I am, I know my traits. There are some habits about myself that I just cannot tolerate and wouldn’t want to burden anyone else with. Yes, this is a self-esteem issue. I hate how quickly I am to get angry about certain things. These are situational and topic related triggers that cut the otherwise long wick of my temperament. Then, there’s the verbal abuse that follows. I have been verbally abused all my life between my mother, my father, my sisters and my friends. I’ve learned how to not just say mean things but to go right to twisting that knife towards unrecoverable damage. Then there’s my black moods. That’s what Sara called them. Those are those moments where I get obstinate about anything and everything. I get a sneering attitude and dare people to cross me. My patience disappears. These traits often show up unannounced. One moment I could be sitting there watching TV at the bar, the next moment something crosses my mind and my entire attitude changes in a blink. One more thing that I’ve had to deal with all my life is anxiety and its evil affects on my body. Anticipation anxiety is what gets me the worst. It’s why I am completely afraid of dating and why it’s easy for me to say that I am terrified of woman. Most other situations of anticipation I can handle fine. It’s when I know I’m going to see someone that I like that my stomach decides to play evil nasty games with me. It gets all twisted up, hurts like hell, and I spend the next 30 minutes in the bathroom instead of going out. Any one of my old friends and family can vouch for that.

I suppose that the only way to get out of this ditch I’ve dug myself into is to work on trying to be more accepting of my own flaws. To not see them as deal-breakers. Easy words to say. Impossible, I fear, to follow.

Advertisements

~ by aeroslin on December 30, 2012.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: