Saying goodbye to an old, ‘friend’

When I quit smoking, I felt like I said goodbye to an old friend. It was bittersweet but I knew the value in doing so was greater than the feeling of loss. There is another old friend, older than good ole smokie, one that I have been attached to, addicted to, obsessed with, for a very long time. I know this thing isn’t a real friend because it, at the core, is full of pain and hurt. It hurts me every time I let it in. I need to kick it out once and for all. It always convinced me that it was for my own good, that it was better to just accept it but, I cannot. I cannot let it beat me down any longer. I must let it go. It’s going to be a terribly difficult fight to endure but I think I have the tools and the support to finally kick the bastard habit. Soon.

The above post is something I put on Facebook. The topic is about loneliness. It’s about self-pity. It’s about being unforgiven. It’s about all the things that I’ve done in the past. It’s about all the things that have happened to me in the past. It’s about my love life. It is about my lack of a love life. It is about the tragic failures I have had in my love life and how I eventually developed this coping mechanism that told me that being alone was the best way to be. That I didn’t need anyone else in my life to complicate things. It led me to believe that I would be happy so long as I could control as much of my life as possible. It lured me in with the prospect of happiness out of loneliness. I fell for it. It became my philosophy. I hate it.

I hate it more than anything else I’ve ever hated in my life. It has led me to feel sorry for myself. Aided me in believing that I wasn’t worth a shit to anyone. It led me to destroy otherwise good relationships due to my own utter selfishness. I want out. I want out of this trap and hole I built for myself… and now, I see light at the end of this tunnel. I’ve seen this light before. I want to believe it is there, I want to see this future outside of this tunnel. I’m ready for the challenge. I’m ready to take on loneliness and make it my bitch. I’m ready to share my life with someone else.

Now is the time.

~ by aeroslin on March 27, 2013.

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