Standing at the Precipice

My girlfriend is keen on telling me that my experiences as an individual are nothing compared to hers. This usually comes at a moment when I’m trying to relate to a feeling that she is having. No single person has lived the same life as another person but the feelings associated with those varied experiences are very real. I think it is terribly unfair to dismiss me like that.

So when she shares with me her feelings of helplessness that she has and has had in the past, I feel quite justified in relating to her. When she talks of trying to commit suicide I feel strongly that this is something I can also relate to her about. When it comes to actually making an attempt on our lives, she differs from me in that she has actually swallowed a bottle of pills and has actually slashed her wrists. While I have done nothing more than holding the blade in my hand and press it against my wrist. While these moments don’t seem to have much in relation to one another, I feel that they are. In her case, she KNEW someone would be there or that she could control the situation. In my case, I was alone, completely. In her case she had someone there to help her. In my case, I had none. I knew that if I took that bottle of pills or slashed my wrists, I’d die.

While standing at the precipice between life and certain death I asked myself if I really wanted to die. I asked myself if my problems were really so bad that killing myself would resolve all the problems. After facing this dilemma many times in the course of about 8 years, I finally got angry enough at myself and disgusted with that self-pitying weakness that I threw my mind out of that ditch and began to build for myself the one thing I lacked, confidence. I began to focus on the things that I had control over. I focused on my career. I stopped going out to the bars, I stopped trying to find a mate, I stopped having friends and getting involved with other people’s lives. My life and how I was living it and how I controlled it was all that mattered. I made drastic changes and found contentment and comfort in myself. It was only then that I dared to start to consider other people. It was then that I started to socialize with people again.

When I get the occasional feeling of self-pity, I shove it out of my head and remind myself of how far I have come and that I am a good person on a good path. I know where my heart stands, I know I’m compassionate, generous, kind, and moral.

I hope to help her get to the same place.

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~ by aeroslin on July 29, 2013.

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