Very Unhappy

I don’t really know what to do anymore. I’m so unhappy with myself and with my relationship with my girlfriend. In just the last 16 hour I have gone from love, to hate, to disgust, to sorrow, to anger, with the accompanied thoughts of wanting to run away and never come back to my house. I know my issues are my own and not all on her. She does play a part though. She’d say it’s my irrational thoughts of cheating and jealousy but from my perspective those feelings are justified. All I want was a girl that put me first. Someone that respected me and our relationship. Someone that wanted to keep me all to herself and visa versa. Someone that I could share my interests with and who would take joy in at least some of the things that I do. Instead I have this gnawing emptiness. I have jealousy because she spends more time with her brain focused on other men that I feel like I’m just an obstacle. I express these feelings to her and what do I get? I get, “Suck it up. Stop being a pussy.” Seriously. Yet when I try that tact on her I’m being insensitive and failing to be empathetic or even condescending. She’s just evil. She’s not a woman. She’s some twisted cross of what a woman thinks a man is and gets it dreadfully wrong. She wants me to be sensual with her but I can’t because she comes off so macho that it turns me off. She is CONSTANTLY telling me what I’m doing wrong. Never ever what I’m doing right. Even in sex. I can’t even kiss her without her telling me that my lips are too stiff and it makes her feel like I’m kissing my mother. She loves to call me out for being judgmental but she’s just never stops judging me for what I do wrong. If something doesn’t fit into her tiny little ignorant worldview then it’s wrong and it makes no sense and it’s a reason to yell and start a fight. Yep, because on Sirius XM radio, the station Faction plays punk and metal with the occasional rap song then it’s wrong, stupid, and makes her angry. When I try to explain to her why it is that way, I’m the one starting a fight. I’m always trying to start a fight with her. Yep, see here’s how that goes. If I try to teach her something, then I’m starting a fight. If she’s being a bitch and I don’t want to deal with it and walk away, then I’m starting a fight. If I don’t load the dishwasher right to her standards then goddammit, it’s a fight. I don’t think I have ever in my life met someone that I have been so completely the opposite of; someone who so completely destroys me emotionally. To this end, I agree I have been a complete jackoff. I need to break up with her. I needed to break up with her after the first day I met her in person. Worst fucking first date in my entire life. The red flags were there but I ended up doing a big disservice to both of us by letting my emotions carry me away. My desire to help someone that needed it overwhelmed me. I just wanted to help her get back on her feet again. Moving to Kentucky was the best thing that ever happened to me. I wanted to and felt certain that she would succeed down here if given the chance to work towards it. What happened was that she took it all for granted. Sat on her ass when she should have been getting insurance and getting assistance and an ID. I foot the entire bill to get her nursing license transferred to KY. Was no small bit of money spent there but I didn’t care. She moved down in the middle of May and didn’t get her license or assistance until September. It rightfully pissed me the fuck off. She completely took advantage of me and in the process, treated me like dog-shit.

~ by aeroslin on March 23, 2014.

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