Off the Meds

•January 19, 2016 • Leave a Comment

On day 11 of not taking cymbalta or the replacement, Prozac. Barely any withdrawals now.  Just the occasional tingly brain which is easily ignorable.  While going to the Prozac was a bit wild, it actually did reign in the brain flashes.  I just didn’t need to take 10 days worth.  I think I took 5.  I know last Sunday (1/10/16) I stayed in bed for about 16 hours.  There was a time when I just didn’t think I could move, almost like I was a prisoner of my body.  Either way, once I got through sleeping all that shit off, I’ve felt pretty good.

Now, what to do with the energy… I have a ton of it but I’m still lacking the fire in my mind to use it.  There’s so many places I need to start on.  Eating better, more activity, anger management, social tact…  At this point my body is still kinda trapped inside my brain.  The desire to be lazy is still strong.  My desire to eat yummy food is still there.  That demon in my gut that screams in pain when it’s hungry, is still causing pain and getting worse the more I try to not eat.  I don’t need food.   Seriously.  I see my gut in the mirror and I know I have enough fat stores to last me a few months of drinking just water.  Not saying that’s what I’ll do but I know I could last a famine.

So, right this moment I’m planning on going to get me something to eat either at IHOP or Waffle House.

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Troubled

•January 14, 2016 • Leave a Comment

Now that I’m off the meds my thoughts swirl around in my head like a turd in the toilet. I get fixated on the feelings of disappointment I’ve had in myself and in others. I judge myself harshly, far worse than I should, I know. I’m waiting for my brain chemicals to finally settle down to a normal level. My norepinephrine levels have leveled out because I find that I can sleep again. The serotonin levels on the other hand are still fluctuating wildly. The intensity of emotions are pretty strong. I’m giving it to the end of January before I start to consider that the levels have all settled down.

In the meantime I need to put a stopper on this rage, or at the very least convert it to something else. To this end I’m considering going guitar shopping. It’s been a long time since I’ve picked anything but the reason why I don’t play the acoustic I have already is because it’s just flawed. Always has been. I got it because it was cheap and worked. Now I need one that fits me. I think I’ll go check out Guitar Center on Saturday.

Change

•January 13, 2016 • Leave a Comment

The word sardonic has been popping into my head of late.  I had to look it up.  My gut feeling about what it means was what I thought it was.  Grimly cynical.

As my brain chemicals go back to their normal levels, and the cymbalta finally fades away from my life, I hear the echoes of my bitchy ex girlfriend telling me that my temperament is going to drive me to a heart attack.  She might be right.  Even without her crazy bitchiness to deal with, the world in general rears its always ugly head to me and drives me to anger and frustration very quickly.

Right this moment I’m thinking about how society has been programmed to think that human life has no value against personal property or wealth.  It’s irritating to look at this country of ours, a country made of laws to ensure that everyone remains protected, turns onto itself cannibalistically to devour those less fortunate.  It is more important that Joe Greed gets rent when he wants it. Failure to do so will get you killed by a cop and because of these laws, you can’t claim self-defense if you try to protect yourself and your family from him.  It is so easy to take a sterile, cold, and completely procedural approach to life, as if there is only black and white, grey is wrong.

What now?!

•May 7, 2014 • Leave a Comment

So I get awakened in the middle of my night to my girlfriend telling me she urgently needs to talk to me. I wake up and listen to her tell me that she got suspended from work and could be facing prison. Why? Because someone took a couple of oxycontin from a tamper proof pack and inserted the wrong drug in its place. Who did it? She says over and over that she didn’t do it. I want to believe her. She’s only been at this new job for less than 2 months so to do something like this so quickly would be beyond retarded. Then there’s the fact that within these 2 months she’s already made enemies of her peers. Sadly, I’m not the least bit surprised at that. She has such a condescending i-am-always-right-shut-up attitude that I’m well aware of that it didn’t come the least bit surprising that she’s already had confrontations with the other nurses. I’ve held my tongue on my thoughts about that because I don’t want to make her feel bad.

So now I’m facing the possibility of my own life and household being turned upside down because of her. I can just see it now. I’m laying in bed quietly sleeping and startled awake to a fucking shotgun pointed at my face. I have nothing to hide. Never have but I don’t know what she has sitting around that could come back and bite ME in the ass as if I was some compliant conspirator.

I know that sounds like I’m assuming she’s guilty. I honestly don’t know if she is or isn’t. She swears she’s innocent and that should be good enough for me but she has a tendency to do things that are retarded without thought of consequence. Things that really could have landed her into this exact situation – since she’s lived with me. Things that I threatened to put her ass into the street over. I swear to goodness that if she gets arrested, I’m sending Jordan back to Michigan with a box full of her mom’s shit and nobody from that side will ever hear from me again.

Very Unhappy

•March 23, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I don’t really know what to do anymore. I’m so unhappy with myself and with my relationship with my girlfriend. In just the last 16 hour I have gone from love, to hate, to disgust, to sorrow, to anger, with the accompanied thoughts of wanting to run away and never come back to my house. I know my issues are my own and not all on her. She does play a part though. She’d say it’s my irrational thoughts of cheating and jealousy but from my perspective those feelings are justified. All I want was a girl that put me first. Someone that respected me and our relationship. Someone that wanted to keep me all to herself and visa versa. Someone that I could share my interests with and who would take joy in at least some of the things that I do. Instead I have this gnawing emptiness. I have jealousy because she spends more time with her brain focused on other men that I feel like I’m just an obstacle. I express these feelings to her and what do I get? I get, “Suck it up. Stop being a pussy.” Seriously. Yet when I try that tact on her I’m being insensitive and failing to be empathetic or even condescending. She’s just evil. She’s not a woman. She’s some twisted cross of what a woman thinks a man is and gets it dreadfully wrong. She wants me to be sensual with her but I can’t because she comes off so macho that it turns me off. She is CONSTANTLY telling me what I’m doing wrong. Never ever what I’m doing right. Even in sex. I can’t even kiss her without her telling me that my lips are too stiff and it makes her feel like I’m kissing my mother. She loves to call me out for being judgmental but she’s just never stops judging me for what I do wrong. If something doesn’t fit into her tiny little ignorant worldview then it’s wrong and it makes no sense and it’s a reason to yell and start a fight. Yep, because on Sirius XM radio, the station Faction plays punk and metal with the occasional rap song then it’s wrong, stupid, and makes her angry. When I try to explain to her why it is that way, I’m the one starting a fight. I’m always trying to start a fight with her. Yep, see here’s how that goes. If I try to teach her something, then I’m starting a fight. If she’s being a bitch and I don’t want to deal with it and walk away, then I’m starting a fight. If I don’t load the dishwasher right to her standards then goddammit, it’s a fight. I don’t think I have ever in my life met someone that I have been so completely the opposite of; someone who so completely destroys me emotionally. To this end, I agree I have been a complete jackoff. I need to break up with her. I needed to break up with her after the first day I met her in person. Worst fucking first date in my entire life. The red flags were there but I ended up doing a big disservice to both of us by letting my emotions carry me away. My desire to help someone that needed it overwhelmed me. I just wanted to help her get back on her feet again. Moving to Kentucky was the best thing that ever happened to me. I wanted to and felt certain that she would succeed down here if given the chance to work towards it. What happened was that she took it all for granted. Sat on her ass when she should have been getting insurance and getting assistance and an ID. I foot the entire bill to get her nursing license transferred to KY. Was no small bit of money spent there but I didn’t care. She moved down in the middle of May and didn’t get her license or assistance until September. It rightfully pissed me the fuck off. She completely took advantage of me and in the process, treated me like dog-shit.

Judging people

•September 21, 2013 • Leave a Comment

So I was in the store and saw this nicely dressed lady in the checkout line. She was purchasing some good high quality food. When she paid for it, I saw that she used an EBT card. I was like, huh, never would have guessed. Then I saw that she had an iPhone on her hip, a silver necklace, and coach purse. I started to think, ‘oh, there’s one of those food stamp scammers. I bet she drives a nice car too. Fuckin ‘poor’ people spending my tax money.’ So out of curiosity I watch her walk into the parking lot and get into a super nice 2013 luxury sedan. I shake my head in disgust. Man, I just can’t believe that some people would be so inconsiderate and lazy and steal my money. Goddam bitches. Welfare queens, I swear. Everyone that needs to use food stamps or get cash from the government should be drug tested or forced to do community service. I know for sure that they’re just scamming the system. I mean, really, iphone, bling, nice car, but your ass can’t afford to buy food? WTF? – Now if you have got this far into my writing here you’ll know that this is absolutely not how I think. This is, however, what a lot of people think. What these people don’t realize is that the car the girl is driving, belongs to the man who is nice enough to let her use it. The phone she has that still works was purchased as a gift for her and is being paid for by someone else that loves her and wants to make sure she has all the resources she needs. The necklace around her neck was an heirloom from her grandmother and the purse is 3 years old. She’s using food stamps because she just lost her job of 5 years due to downsizing. The narcotics in her system are for pain management because she has a disease that causes her pain every single day. Stop judging people because you THINK you know their stories. You know that warm fuzzy feeling you get when you help someone that needs it? Yeah, that’s a good feeling, that’s being compassionate. You know that feeling you get when you think, ‘I want to help you but…’ yeah, that’s you being a fucking jerk.

Standing at the Precipice

•July 29, 2013 • Leave a Comment

My girlfriend is keen on telling me that my experiences as an individual are nothing compared to hers. This usually comes at a moment when I’m trying to relate to a feeling that she is having. No single person has lived the same life as another person but the feelings associated with those varied experiences are very real. I think it is terribly unfair to dismiss me like that.

So when she shares with me her feelings of helplessness that she has and has had in the past, I feel quite justified in relating to her. When she talks of trying to commit suicide I feel strongly that this is something I can also relate to her about. When it comes to actually making an attempt on our lives, she differs from me in that she has actually swallowed a bottle of pills and has actually slashed her wrists. While I have done nothing more than holding the blade in my hand and press it against my wrist. While these moments don’t seem to have much in relation to one another, I feel that they are. In her case, she KNEW someone would be there or that she could control the situation. In my case, I was alone, completely. In her case she had someone there to help her. In my case, I had none. I knew that if I took that bottle of pills or slashed my wrists, I’d die.

While standing at the precipice between life and certain death I asked myself if I really wanted to die. I asked myself if my problems were really so bad that killing myself would resolve all the problems. After facing this dilemma many times in the course of about 8 years, I finally got angry enough at myself and disgusted with that self-pitying weakness that I threw my mind out of that ditch and began to build for myself the one thing I lacked, confidence. I began to focus on the things that I had control over. I focused on my career. I stopped going out to the bars, I stopped trying to find a mate, I stopped having friends and getting involved with other people’s lives. My life and how I was living it and how I controlled it was all that mattered. I made drastic changes and found contentment and comfort in myself. It was only then that I dared to start to consider other people. It was then that I started to socialize with people again.

When I get the occasional feeling of self-pity, I shove it out of my head and remind myself of how far I have come and that I am a good person on a good path. I know where my heart stands, I know I’m compassionate, generous, kind, and moral.

I hope to help her get to the same place.